just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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