Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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