i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
