you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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