like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
