I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
