The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize