and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
