I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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