Who wears a wallet chain?!
farters have to be the big spoon...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
