I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
