Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
