If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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