Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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