I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
