Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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