Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
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