my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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