I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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