my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
