i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
