you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
