Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
why do cheetos always look like penises
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
