Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
