you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
