Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
