My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
