I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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