She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
