I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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