i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i think i just lost a toe
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
