when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
