Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Two words: nipple clamps
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