i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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