I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
