Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
