That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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