apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
