I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
