Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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