i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
