remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
