Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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