Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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