Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
