and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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