after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
