went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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