Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
