Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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