the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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