i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
