I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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