she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
