I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
