Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
