this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
