i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
