Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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