i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
