If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
