It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
