Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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