Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
