She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
