im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
