the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
