you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
