wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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