you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
