My boss' voice literally gives me gas
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
