i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
